Note to Self: Never Perform Surgery In A Movie

written by Drew

Sheesh! Being a doctor (or a nurse) in the movies blows. Not only are the hours crappy but chances are you'll die from whatever it is you are performing surgery on. I've complied the top 3 worst surgical events from Hollywood. Man I'm glad I stayed a history major and passed up on med school. If I didn't I'd probably be dead!


Surgery #1
Location: John Hopkins, New York City (I'm guessing because JH is on the cutting, no pun intended, edge of the medical field)
Patient: Otto Octavius
Ailment: Metallic arms grafted to his body in freak scientific experiment gone wrong
Outcome: The raptor/octopus-like arms murder everyone in the room under their own power and not by Octavius
Post-Op: After a elongated "Nooooooo!!!" from atop his gurney, Octavius wreaks havoc and destruction as Spider-Man tries to work things out. Job openings in JH's surgical department


Surgery #2
Location: Area 51
Patient: Alien
Ailment: Said alien attempted to destroy Captain Steven Hiller's fighter jet through dog fight maneuvers during a failed assault by US forces against the destroying aliens over Los Angeles. The alien crashed its spacecraft allowing Captain Hiller to punch it in the face, remove it from it craft, and drag it's "dreadlocks" across the desert to Area 51
Outcome: During the autopsy/surgery, the alien, which was still alive, woke up and used its telepathic abilities to stop the surgery and broke lose where it attacked the entire surgical staff, killing them all
Post-Op: The alien used the head Area 51 researcher as a "vessel" to speak through via tentacles wrapped around his neck in order to communicate with the American president. But trying to use its telepathy on the prez resulted in its immediate cap popping, where it died on the floor...next to the staff



Surgery #3
Location: Coruscant
Patient: Anakin Skywalker
Ailment: After turning to the Dark Side, Jedi love-child Anakin Skywalker dueled with friend and teacher Obi-Wan Kenobi on a volcano planet. Having his legs sliced off and burning in the lava, he is left to die by a victorius Kenobi. But Skywalker's new and improved teacher Emperor Palpatine rescues Skywalker and takes his home for a little makeover
Outcome: For the most part the patient was cooperative and quiet. Robots reattached some better legs then the previous ones and fitted Skywalker with some new black shiny clothes and a special helmet to help his asthma. But overall it was a routine surgery
Post-Op: Although walking like Frankenstein is normal right after body reconstructive surgery, recovery seemed instant. When the patient asked Palpatine where his wife was and the answer was "she's dead" Skywalker lost it. Also with a boisterous "Nooooo!!!!", Skywalker was so enraged that his Dark Side powers began to destroy the equipment and yes, the robot staff as well. These helpful and most likely under appreciated medical robots (or droids) were bent, squished, broken, twisted and in all reality vandalized. They were the first but surely not the last victims of their patient Skywalker who had his named changed to Darth Vader.

So, as you can see surgery is a dangerous task in film. Chances are if you are operating on something that resulted in a science experiment gone wrong, not of this planet, or someone who is unstable who also possesses mystical powers, you will die. But its not too late. Change that major and become a history major. All we do is read.